Emerging from the Abyss

It sounds like a title of a book. Did you know I have always wanted to write a book? Although sci fi wouldn't be my genre of choice or expertise. Maybe a children's book. Or maybe a good romance. I really should not have said this out loud. Don't go expecting anything ya'll okay? It is not even someday, it is more like sometime in my lifetime. But I have gone on a tangent. . .

So why the abyss? Well 2010 has certainly had its interesting points. I joke that it has been a bad year. That 2010 should be blotted out of my life. That I should just take a big black permanent marker to the calendar. If you were to look at it, you might agree, but by some miracle I really don't feel that way. In January, I was wheeled into the ER for the first of several wheelchair excursions through our hospital this year. I was in so much pain I wanted to die. I thought I was going to. And then I just about did. The experience was most definitely more traumatic for Darin as he watched them trying to resuscitate me. I on the other hand was having a dream, a vision, an out of body experience. Call it what you may, but I found myself running down long white hallways surrounded by people I knew, but can't name today. I was told a very dear friend was dying and I was running and crying so afraid I wasn't going to be there to say goodbye. I awoke to Darin at my side. The medical staff was puzzled for weeks and weeks. Those weeks could be an entire journal entry in and of themselves. I mean whoever wants to do a colonscopy prep on their birthday? Especially when I threw up all of the prep!?!?!

Eventually they figured out I had an burst ovarian cyst, but in the meantime they had given me Clostridium difficle. I once heard a man say that nothing compared to the pain he had with c. diff, not even his colon cancer. I emerged from that abyss only to find I still did not have much relief. I felt inspired to see my OB/GYN after having some strange bleeding. Heavenly Father guided this doctor. I know He did. He diagnosed me with adenomyosis. Who has EVER heard of that? Even with all of my past medical problems,even I had never even heard of it, let alone knew how to pronounce the word! However, after 3 hormone shots, I found the relief from abdominal pain I had been searching for. Two more shots for good measure and one robotically assisted hysterectomy and NOW I have emerged FOR GOOD. And what did the pathology report find? My uterus was chock full of adenomyosis. I have told family that this entire process was extremely difficult. I do feel, however, that the process was necessary to help me get to today. Was it easy? Not at all. Not in the least bit. Ask my girls. Ask my sweet husband. Ask my Mom who spent a month in all at my home helping. It was hard. Would I want to do it again. Never. But I am grateful for lessons learned? Most certainly. Try dying and then see how you feel about your spouse. Darin has always been very loving and kind. Yet a few nights after that experience, we sat discussing what had happened. Darin shared his feelings. It is far too special and sacred to even share. It is a moment I will hold close to me always. Our relationship has been stregthened and renewed. My gratitude for him and his love is immeasurable. We hold each other a little longer and a little tighter now. And when we part, neither of us really ever want to.

How blessed we have been. Heavenly Father has guided us through it all. Is everything perfect now? Ha! That is laughable. I have much to learn, still much to do and a great deal of growth to make. I still need to be a better person in so many ways. A better Mom especially. Yet, I see the light. I see the light at the end of a long tunnel. It was like a black hole. It felt like an abyss. There were times when I think the adversary wanted me to think there was no light and no end to the trials. Yet having the knowledge of a loving Saviour and a loving Father is the candle that lights the way in the darkness. Eventually we are all able to see in full bright sunlight the glory of that candle that led the way. I know there will be more tunnels in this life, some maybe even darker or longer than this one. But for now I am basking in the sun, in the warmth of love of family, friends and the gospel of Jesus Christ. And it feels ever so wonderful.